Monsterbook: Rumblefart and the Beastly Bottom Read online

  WARNING!

  THIS BOOK HAS LOADS

  OF VERY DISGUSTING

  MONSTERS IN IT

  Hairy ones, smelly ones, fat ones, oozy ones. None of them are very nice, and they study the Monsterbook to become more not very nice.

  Monsterbook is written by monsters, for monsters. A filthy, fact-packed handbook to everything monster!

  Michael Broad spent much of his childhood gazing out of the window imagining he was somewhere more interesting. Now he’s a grown-up, Michael still spends a lot of time gazing out of the window imagining he’s somewhere more interesting – but these days he writes and illustrates books as well.

  michaelbroad.co.uk

  Books by Michael Broad

  MONSTERBOOK: PONGDOLLOP AND THE SCHOOL STINK

  MONSTERBOOK: SNOTGOBBLE AND THE BOGEY BULLY

  MONSTERBOOK: LUMPYDUMP AND THE TERROR TEACHER

  MONSTERBOOK: RUMBLEFART AND THE BEASTLY BOTTOM

  JAKE CAKE: THE FOOTBALL BEAST

  JAKE CAKE: THE PIRATE CURSE

  JAKE CAKE: THE ROBOT DINNER LADY

  JAKE CAKE: THE SCHOOL DRAGON

  JAKE CAKE: THE VISITING VAMPIRE

  JAKE CAKE: THE WEREWOLF TEACHER

  For David (the cake monster)

  PUFFIN BOOKS

  Published by the Penguin Group

  Penguin Books Ltd, 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  Penguin Group (USA) Inc., 375 Hudson Street, New York, New York 10014, USA

  Penguin Group (Canada), 90 Eglinton Avenue East, Suite 700, Toronto, Ontario,

  Canada M4P 2Y3 (a division of Pearson Penguin Canada Inc.)

  Penguin Ireland, 25 St Stephen’s Green, Dublin 2, Ireland (a division of Penguin Books Ltd)

  Penguin Group (Australia), 250 Camberwell Road, Camberwell, Victoria 3124, Australia

  (a division of Pearson Australia Group Pty Ltd)

  Penguin Books India Pvt Ltd, 11 Community Centre, Panchsheel Park,

  New Delhi – 110 017, India

  Penguin Group (NZ), 67 Apollo Drive, Rosedale, North Shore 0632, New Zealand

  (a division of Pearson New Zealand Ltd)

  Penguin Books (South Africa) (Pty) Ltd, 24 Sturdee Avenue, Rosebank,

  Johannesburg 2196, South Africa

  Penguin Books Ltd, Registered Offices: 80 Strand, London WC2R 0RL, England

  puffinbooks.com

  First published 2010

  Copyright © Michael Broad, 2010

  All rights reserved

  The moral right of the author/illustrator has been asserted

  Except in the United States of America, this book is sold subject to the condition that it shall not, by way of trade or otherwise, be lent, re-sold, hired out, or otherwise circulated without the publisher’s prior consent in any form of binding or cover other than that in which it is published and without a similar condition including this condition being imposed on the subsequent purchaser

  ISBN: 978-0-14-194329-9

  CONTENTS

  1 Miffni and the Stink Storm

  2 What’s a Squidlet?

  3 A Huge Thud

  4 The Tall Jub Jub

  5 Rumblefart

  6 The Grisly Gardens

  7 The Monster Muncher

  8 The Pong Plot

  9 M-m-m-monsters!

  10 Beast and the Beauties

  11 Take a Bow

  12 An Evening of Entertainment

  THIS IS URK

  Urk is a monster.

  But to his parents’

  Disappointment he’s not

  very scary.

  When Urk began scare training with the

  MONSTERBOOK he made friends with

  will, his allocated fleshblob!

  THIS IS WILL

  Will is a human. He thinks monsters are

  revolting, but also very

  interesting.

  SCARE TRAINING

  When Urk’s meant to be out scaring will,

  the pair watch TV, eat snacks and read

  the MONSTERBOOK.

  Urk makes up weekly scare reports for his

  parents, and will learns more about

  the disgusting world of Monsterland.

  1

  Miffni and the Stink Storm

  With the Monsterbook tucked safely in his rucksack, Urk crept down the murky brown hallway and held his breath as he passed his sister’s bedroom. It was a scare-training night in Monsterland and the young monster was looking forward to seeing his fleshblob friend Will, so he didn’t want any trouble from Miffni.

  Unlike her brother, Miffni was huge and scary and loved causing trouble, and to make matters worse her best friend Pong Pong was staying for a sleepover. Pong Pong was just as mean as Miffni, and Urk had learned to stay out of their way.

  ‘WHEN THEY SEE US THEY’LL SCREAM AND SCREAM!’ boomed Miffni, from inside her room.

  ‘AND MAYBE THEY’LL DO A LITTLE WEE WEE TOO!’ boomed Pong Pong.

  This was followed by shrieks of snorting laughter that made the door rattle on its hinges. Urk froze like a statue in the hallway, but it wasn’t fear that had stopped him in his tracks – it was his brotherly duty to spy on his sister.

  The mention of screams and wee wee meant Miffni and Pong Pong were planning to frighten some fleshblobs, because a wet mattress is a very high achievement for a monster. But his sister was too young to go scare training in the world of humans and Urk hoped to hear something he could use against her.

  As the laughter died down, the young monster crept forward and pressed his ear against the wood. He could hear the pair whispering to each other, but couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying.

  Then the voices suddenly hushed.

  Uh oh! thought Urk, as a thunder of footfalls rattled the floorboards and shook the walls, and before he could move away from it the door flew open.

  ‘CAUGHT YA!’ growled Miffni, filling half of the doorway.

  The other half of the doorway was filled with Pong Pong, who was thinner than her friend, but had much bigger hair-bunches and triple-lens spectacles perched on her snout.

  Urk peered up at the glaring monsters and tried to think of a good reason for snooping. When this failed he decided to make a run for it, but only got a short way down the hall before a long stripy tentacle hooked the straps of his rucksack and lifted him off the ground.

  ‘Not so fast, you little Bugwart!’ said Pong Pong, flexing her extendable tentacle until he swung round to face them.

  ‘We have a few questions for you.’

  ‘What did you hear?’ demanded Miffni.

  ‘Er, n-nothing,’ Urk stammered. ‘Something about wee wee?’

  ‘Nothing else?’ said Pong Pong, shaking him up and down.

  ‘No!’ snapped Urk, squirming to pull himself free. ‘Now let me go!’

  Pong Pong looked to Miffni, who shrugged and nodded.

  The tentacle immediately released the rucksack, causing Urk to tumble to the floor. The young monster picked himself up and was about to turn away from the sniggering pair when Miffni spoke again.

  ‘Did you pack an umbrella?’ she asked, ducking into her room and returning with a steaming, stinking litterbin. The basket overflowed with rubbish, rotten fruit and empty snail shells. ‘Because I’ve heard there’s a storm coming.’

  ‘What storm?’ Urk asked suspiciously, slowly backing away.

  ‘A STINK STORM!’ roared Miffni and Pong Pong together, grabbing clumps of the smelly rubbish and pelting them at him. Knowing the young monster liked to stay tidy and didn’t enjoy foul smells, they shrieked with laughter as the filth flew through the air.


  Urk charged towards the front door as the mucky mounds thudded all around him. Some hit his rucksack, but most of them missed as he ducked and dived through the shower of litter. Once outside he raced down the stairwells of Terror Towers, dashed through the alleyways and didn’t look back until he reached the edge of Monster City.

  The young monster slowed to a walk as he made his way though the earthy tunnels leading out of Monsterland, where he flicked empty snail shells off his fur and pulled wads of sticky paper from his rucksack. Urk was still wondering what Miffni and Pong Pong were planning when he plucked a large ball of screwed-up paper from his shoulder and unfolded it.

  The tunnels were dark, so Urk paused beneath a grubby light bulb to read it.

  ‘Uh oh!’ he said aloud.

  2

  What’s a Squidlet?

  ‘BOO!’ said Urk, jumping from the wardrobe in his friend’s bedroom and pulling the rucksack off his shoulders. The young monster quickly checked the bag for slime and snail shells and then dumped it on Will’s desk.

  ‘ARGH!’ said Will. ‘What’s up?’

  ‘We have a bit of a problem,’ Urk replied, taking out the ball of crumpled paper. ‘Which means instead of watching TV tonight, we’re going to have to make another trip to Monsterland.’

  ‘I don’t think I can go tonight!’ said Will, grabbing a poster from his desk and holding it up. ‘I have to learn my lines for this dumb school play tomorrow. I was going to ask you to help me with it.’

  Urk looked at the poster advertising Beauty and the Beast at Will’s school the following evening, and then unfolded the sticky ball of paper from the stink storm. Aside from the creases and stains and blobs of goo, the posters were identical.

  ‘Where did you get that?’ gasped Will.

  ‘My sister had it,’ said Urk, screwing the poster back into a ball. ‘She’s planning a fleshblob scare with her horrible Squidlet friend Pong Pong. And it looks like your school play is their target.’

  ‘But everyone’s parents will be there!’ said Will.

  Urk nodded gravely.

  ‘What’s a Squidlet?’ asked Will.

  ‘A squidgy monster from Snotshire,’ said Urk, pulling out the Monsterbook and flicking through the ‘Gruesome Gallery’, which contained all known monsters. When he found the Squidlet entry, he placed the book on the desk for his friend to read.

  ‘So what are Miffni and Pong Pong planning to do exactly?’ asked Will, closing the book. ‘Because if they intend to steal all the chairs or something like that, and the school have to cancel the play, then that wouldn’t exactly be a bad thing …’

  ‘They mentioned screaming and wee wee,’ said Urk.

  ‘Oh,’ said Will, clearly disappointed. ‘Then what should we do?’

  ‘Well, if we can find out exactly what they’re planning,’ said Urk, packing the Monsterbook away, ‘I think telling my mum and dad should be enough to put a stop to it. Miffni hasn’t even finished Basic Boo, so she’s not allowed to go on scare manoeuvres.’

  ‘But if your sister hasn’t finished the basics, how could she mastermind a big scare?’ asked Will.

  ‘I don’t know,’ Urk replied thoughtfully, as if this had been bothering him too. ‘Because she’s also really lazy, and has never shown an interest in scaring fleshblobs before.’

  ‘Maybe her friend is the brains behind it?’ suggested Will.

  ‘Pong Pong?’ Urk gasped. ‘Not likely, she’s as thick as slug jelly!’

  ‘Well, if we’re going to find out we’d better get a move on,’ said Will, pulling a sheet of dirty sackcloth over his head and poking two forks through the material. The disguise made him look like a Jub Jub – a monster so disgusting it has to stay covered at all times. This allowed Will to walk freely in Monsterland without getting squashed or eaten.

  Urk and Will stepped into the wardrobe, moved through the hidden doorway and headed down the damp, smelly tunnels leading to Monsterland. Several monsters were trudging up the tunnels for a night of frights in children’s bedrooms – including a Snooper, a Gum Gum and an Ooof. Will remembered these strange creatures from the Monsterbook and chuckled to himself. Later they passed a nasty-looking Snaggler, reminding Will how lucky he was to have Urk looking out for him.

  3

  A Huge Thud

  ‘So what part are you playing in Beauty and the Beast?’ asked Urk, as they left the tunnels and stepped into the murky world of Monsterland. Thousands of light bulbs buzzed angrily in the damp ceiling of the cavern, shining over the sprawling dungheap that was Monster City.

  ‘I’m playing tree number two,’ said Will.

  ‘You’re playing a tree?’ chuckled Urk.

  Will nodded awkwardly.

  ‘And the tree has lines to learn?’ Urk smiled.

  ‘I’m supposed to say “RUSTLE! RUSTLE!” when the beast appears.’

  ‘And you need help to remember that?’ Urk frowned.

  ‘I know the lines, I just keep forgetting to say it in rehearsals,’ said Will. ‘Grant Butcher, who’s playing the part of the beast, keeps putting me off. And when Miss Star isn’t looking he pushes me over.’

  ‘Who’s Miss Star?’ asked Urk.

  ‘Oh, she’s our new drama teacher,’ explained Will. ‘We have a new one every year because they all quit during the school play. That’s why I left my lines until the last minute, hoping Miss Star would quit too. But she stuck with it and now it looks like I’ll have to go on stage!’

  ‘We’ll worry about that later,’ said Urk, patting his friend on the shoulder. ‘And maybe Miffni and Pong Pong will steal the chairs, and the school will have to cancel the play after all.’

  ‘I wish!’ said Will.

  The pair laughed as they entered Monster City and made their way through the backstreets and alleyways until they reached the block of mud flats where Urk’s family lived.

  ‘Now, we’ll have to be really quiet when we go in,’ said Urk, as they approached the main doors of Terror Towers. ‘And hopefully we can spy on my sister without her even knowing we’re there.’

  ‘I’ll be as quiet as a m–’ Will began, but stopped when Urk suddenly shrieked and bundled them both into a nearby bush. The young monster quickly clasped his hand over an area of sack where he guessed Will’s mouth was.

  ‘They’re coming!’ Urk whispered urgently.

  Moments later the doors flew open with an enormous bang! and Miffni and Pong Pong stomped and slithered from the building, chatting and giggling loudly as they headed into the maze of alleyways.

  ‘Phew!’ sighed Urk. ‘That was close!’

  ‘Mmf mmf mm!’ replied Will.

  ‘Oh, sorry!’ said Urk, taking his hand away and helping his friend to his feet.

  ‘Where do you think they’re going?’ asked Will, dusting himself off.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Urk, peering down the long dark alley to see Miffni and Pong Pong taking a right turn. ‘We’d better follow them and try to get close enough to hear what they’re saying.’

  Urk and Will followed Miffni and Pong Pong as they zigzagged through the maze of gloomy backstreets, keeping out of sight and listening to their chatter. Fortunately Urk’s sister and her friend had very loud voices, but all they spoke about was different flavours of lipgloss, including Rotten Raspberry and Fizzy Fish Guts.

  ‘I still don’t understand how these two could possibly mastermind a big scare,’ whispered Urk, dropping back to a safe distance as they took a left turn into Monster City High Street.

  ‘It does seem very unlikely,’ agreed Will.

  Hanging back, they tracked the two pairs of hair-bunches bobbing down the High Street above the heads of smaller monsters and ducked into a doorway when Miffni and Pong Pong stopped to cross the road.

  ‘They’re heading for The Monster Mash!’ said Urk, watching as the two monsters skipped arm in arm towards a large building that had a fat lumpy monster guarding the entrance. ‘It’s a youth club for teenage monsters.’

&nb
sp; ‘Who’s the big blob?’ asked Will, pointing at the huge creature blocking the doors.

  ‘I think it’s a Thud,’ said Urk, taking out the Monsterbook and flicking through its pages until he found the entry for a Thud. ‘Yeah, here it is. Not one to be messed with by the looks of it.’

  4

  The Tall Jub Jub

  ‘What’s it doing?’ asked Will, as the Thud shuffled over to Miffni and Pong Pong and held a long stick up to them. The creature stared at the stick for a long time with a large frown across his brow, then he grunted and ushered the pair inside.

  ‘It’s difficult to tell how old monsters are just by looking at them,’ Urk explained. ‘I think he was measuring them to see if they’re big enough for The Monster Mash. Miffni is younger than me, but she can usually pass for a teenager because she’s so massive and Pong Pong is OK because Squidlets are so tall.’

  ‘But that means we can’t follow them,’ said Will. ‘We’re both much shorter than the Thud’s measuring stick.’

  ‘You’re right,’ said Urk. ‘But together we might just be tall enough.’

  ‘Uh?’ said Will, and then gasped when Urk ducked beneath his Jub Jub sack.

  ‘Give me the forks and carry me on your shoulders,’ Urk’s voice whispered from somewhere inside the dark tent of material. ‘Then we should be about the same height as the stick!’

  ‘And if we’re not?’ asked Will.

  ‘Then the Thud will make us as flat as a pancake,’ Urk swallowed.

  After a short struggle and much tugging of material, Urk and Will eventually left the doorway and tottered across the road as one tall Jub Jub. Will could see very little through the thick, dark fabric and had to rely on Urk nudging with his hooves to guide him to The Monster Mash.